I had the pleasure of taking in some karaoke the other weekend here in Chicago and, as usual, it tickled my fancy. While I’ve never personally performed a song, I did once sign up for “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake, but chickened out. The best performance I ever saw was a rendition of “Chocolate Salty Balls” by Chef.
So I’ll spend this post ribbing some of the karaoke people, but it’s primarily because I don’t have the nuts to sing in front of a crowd. Here are 3 of my favorite people at karaoke night:
The Group of Girls Who Think They’re Funny
The only thing less funny than a group of girls teaming up to sing karaoke is finding out you’ve just contracted genital warts from one of them. 99% of the time they’ll pick “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and think they’re the first group of girls to think of that idea. They’ll spend the entire song nervously looking at each other, giggling uncontrollably, and thinking to themselves, “We’re so zany!”
The Amateur Singer That Takes Karaoke Way Too Seriously
This person usually thinks highly enough of themselves to sing at least 5-6 songs per night. The karaoke host has to restrain them with some sort of scheduled rotation so they don’t get overzealous and kung-fu grip the microphone for every song. This person typically gets the Whitney Houston microphone tap thing going if they feel like they’re really nailing a song, but they’re usually good for a big voice crack at some point during the night. Odds are they’re currently taking voice lessons from a neighbor. They daydream that tonight could be the night Randy Jackson is in the audience.
The Karaoke Host
The karaoke host’s days are typically spent playing Madden 2007 in the finished basement-turned-bedroom of their parents place. They drive a souped up Honda or Toyota, with more money spent on the speakers than the car itself. Their bedroom has a ton of stereo equipment and like a thousand woofers. And they have one of those CD towers with a zillion CDs stacked halfway up the wall. You’ll typically find the work of SWV, Color Me Badd, and Keith Sweat in their CD collection. The karaoke host dreams of someday being called up to the Asian big-leagues. This is the same guy that showed you the old “switch the cables for free porn” trick in junior high.
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