The Official Hipster Classification Guide

A while back, we did a hipster point scale that aimed to make sense of the varying degrees of hipsterness. But what about all of the different types of hipsters? Certainly there are more varieties of hipsters than there are varieties of Toms shoes, but here’s a start. Let us know what we missed.

Waterworld Hipsters

You’ve all seen Waterworld Hipsters, but probably weren’t sure how to classify them. They look very similar to Kevin Costner in Waterworld, usually travel in packs of 3-5, live in the park, haven’t been within 200 yards of deodorant in months, and oftentimes have a pet rodent and/or pigeon. There’s usually one girl in the group who is strangely attractive. The guys who recently tried to blow up that bridge in Cleveland are good examples of Waterworld Hipsters.

Suburban Hipsters

Suburban Hipsters are the only classification who actually openly consider themselves hipsters, but oddly enough Suburban Hipsters aren’t even true hipsters. Suburban Hipsters think Maroon 5 and Neon Trees are examples of indie music. They can be found openly brooding at Starbucks in the strip mall, and frequently check into places like their job on Foursquare, which is annoyingly linked to their Twitter account. They think if they buy food that has the word ‘artisan’ in it, it’s the same as having a CSA share.

Trust Fund Hipsters

Trust Fund Hipsters are set for life, so they have little worries and lots of spare time. Consequently, they are primarily known for taking a lot of fashion risks and rebelling against their parents that, in a nod to classic hipster irony, have provided them everything they’ll ever need. They dress like complete assholes and disapprovingly judge everything you do, say, and wear. They get $100 haircuts and use an assload of Paul Mitchell hair products that make it look like they just returned from a hard night at the OWS rally, where they were holding up protest signs on their iPad.

Natural Hipsters

Natural hipsters are the most pure hipsters of all, and very rarely are aware that the population at large considers them hipsters. They set trends without even realizing it, typically out of necessity or function rather than irony. They legitimately wear Carhartt gear because they have blue collar jobs, drink PBR because it’s affordable, or wear outdoor performance apparel because they legitimately camp in the wilderness and climb things. One Natural Hipster could fight 5 Trust Fund Hipsters at once and win handily just by unfurling their beard. Natural Hipsters rule all other hipsters.

Advertising Hipsters

Advertising Hipsters are the most competitive hipsters of all. They spend 90% of their waking hours intensely caring about how to look like they don’t care. The other 10% of the time they’re writing their lomography blog, looking for tortoise frame glasses on Warby Parker, pinning the latest organic gluten-free cage-free free-range craft beer on Pinterest, and thinking up start-up company names that have 5 letters and one vowel. They’re always telling you how your company could be more successful if it was more like Apple, and Apple is successful because of this or that, and you probably didn’t know Steve Jobs did stuff some certain way, and there’s a rumor that Apple is coming out with a hovercraft, etc. Advertising Hipsters care about their glasses more than their family.

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