Don’t Be That Guy at the Rock Show – Part III

by That Guy on December 20, 2011

A couple years ago we did a two-part series about the proverbial “that guy” at the rock show. You all know him – he comes in many varieties, but is always disruptive to your music experience. I’ve had a little more time to think about it, and I’ve come up with a few more people that I hate at the Rock Show.

The Only Guy in the Crowd That’s Dancing (and He’s Dancing Right Next to Me)

This happened to me at a Felice Brothers show once. Some bag of D was dancing like Fred Astaire to every single Felice Brothers song and bouncing into me. As I always say, the only way to fight dancing is with 1) harder dancing, or 2) rotten egg farts.

The Superfan Who Has Something to Prove

I hate the Superfan Who Has Something to Prove. As noted in Part II, they’re always shouting out suggestions of obscure song names from the album no one bought. What’s worse is they feel the need to prove that they’re a bigger fan than you are, so they passionately sing the words to every song. Especially the bad songs. And they’re usually the proud owner of a tablature site.

The Mom Who Brings Their Small Child to the Rock Show

Noah’s mom aside, this is not a good idea. Just because you had such great luck finding a man at your last rock show doesn’t mean you should bring the child you conceived there to every other rock show you attend. Wafting pot smoke, loud noises, alcohol, tobacco smoke, armpit sweat, and cropdusted farts are not good for your 18-month old.

The Guy Who Cheers when the Lead Singer Curses

“This song is dedicated to the bastard that married my momma”. Wooooooooo!!!! Cursing is cool!!! I love cursing!!!! Best show ever!!!!!

The Guy Who Cheers when the Lead Singer Mentions Drugs

Woooo!!!! Hey everyone within earshot of me – I DO DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Guy Who Literally Stands 4 Inches in Front of You

This guy is very similar to the Close Talker popularized on Seinfeld, but instead of his face you get the back of his head about 4” from your chin. There are times when this has happened and I don’t even have enough room to lift my ice cold delicious beer up to my pie hole.

The Girl Who is a Little Too Into One Peripheral Member of the Band

This one always cracks me up. This girl always drags a couple of her friends to the show real early so she can get a spot in the front row right by said band member. It’s typically the worst musician in the band, and the girl just stares at him the entire show and thinks about how great it would be to be his girlfriend and get cheated on all the time.

Happy rock showing. Stay safe out there.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Buzzman3535 December 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

great list,

dont forget the “way too aggressive bouncer guy” at the show yelling at people for standing in traffic lanes.

and the uber annoying “totally drunk and stoned guy” who is standing there usually right next to you or in front of you…swaying trying to keep upright. Inevitbably your attention goes to “can this guy make it through this song” instead of listening to the band. Yes, I’m sure I have been that guy more than once, but when its not me…its really annoying.

BNEV December 20, 2011 at 7:03 pm

The guy who backs right up on you…yes! He has like two rows of room in front of him but insists on backing up onto me, bobbing his head and almost headbutting me over and over. I am an offender of many things for sure but this habit is quite aggravating.

Josh December 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

For me it’s “The couple who decide to get it on…the whole show”.

I don’t mind showing a little affection to your significant other, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people on the verge of having sex in front of me. I just don’t understand it, if you want to make out… go home, put on the album and go to town… but why at the show?

The Colonel December 21, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Pretty funny list but I am very disappointed by your lack of appreciation for dancing. People should always be dancing, and if there is only one person dancing at a show then you really ought to be annoyed by those who are not.

DiscoSucks December 21, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I have come across the “Guy who stands 4 inches in front of you” at several shows. My fool proof technique is to breathe really heavy at his neck. Usually they are too weirded out to turn around. Works like a charm.

oz December 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I’m always taller the guy 4 inches in front of me and he usually has a curly mop of hair that keeps touching my mouth. That hot breathing technique is a good one. I’ve learned to keep one forearm out as if I’m holding an imaginary shield or protecting my dribble in basketball. I may also try spilling some beer down his ass-crack if there’s enough room in the 4-inches of separation.

Laura December 27, 2011 at 9:48 am

“I may also try spilling some beer down his ass-crack if there’s enough room in the 4-inches of separation.”

Haha! Classic.

So true about the daydreaming fan girls at every show ogling over that “one” band member. All the giggling gets annoying really quick if you’re *right* behind them, and I swear they should place fucking buckets next to their seats to catch all the incessant drooling.

Good list, though! 🙂

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