Someone in Marketing Thinks I Like Hip Hop or Rap or Whatever It’s Called

Apparently I’m old, stiff, and have trouble “navigating the culture and spotting trends,” but a marketing person from Complex the magazine culled my name from a database anyway. The magazine says it’s “A Marck Ecko Production” and claims to be “the #1 cultural navigator and trendspotter for young men.” This month’s issue features Lil Wayne on the cover in a straitjacket with a scowl on his face. The issue before featured a gentleman named “T.I.” Call me crazy, but this doesn’t look like it’s going to be an Indie music magazine. The only “T.I.” I’ve ever been interested in was seasons 1 and 2 of Temptation Island. Mandy was hot.

Clearly, Complex wasn’t privy to my interest in Indie music and grape juice. They might also be surprised to learn I haven’t purchased a hip-hop or rap album since Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) in 1993 (which earned me tons of street cred in the ‘burbs). Despite this, Complex decided to start sending free issues to my home. I have 4 words for Complex: Oops upside your head.

Curious, I decided to thumb through the magazine. One of the first ads I saw was for Russell Simmons’ line of clothing called Argyleculture. Mr. Simmons is wearing a dark suit that appears to be about 6 sizes too big, a New York Yankees hat cocked to the side, and bright white sneakers. Not exactly something I’d wear to The Record Low show at Schubas later this month. If you’d like to purchase any Argyleculture apparel for your loved ones this holiday season, it’s available at your local Phat Farm.

I turned the page and was greeted by a picture of Paul Wall and his diamond encrusted grille hawking a brand of gear called Avirex. I can relate to Paul Wall because I also have a diamond encrusted grille. My shorty loves it. My shorty loves her boo.

I continue to page forward and see ads featuring Nike boots (which I wear to my corporate job several times per week), P. Puffy Diddy Daddy Combs (always respected him for birthing “Making the Band” seasons 1-3), G-Unit sweatshirts (snuggling in one now), and not 1, not 2, but 3 ads for Sean John clothes (which I’ll be donning at SXSW 2008). But the real kicker is an ad featuring Eminem and his new line of clothing, Shady LTD. The headline of the ad is “Everything is Shady” and Eminem is standing on top of a flaming Pontiac Bonneville at the foot of a burning house atop a burning hill. Sweeeet.

You know what, Marshall? Everything is shady. Especially the way Complex got my mailing address.