Top 10 Songs for Your Vasectomy

by Woody on September 20, 2007

Vasectomy

This weekend my friend Mofongo and I were talking about Woody’s recent vasectomy and starting joking around about making a list of songs appropriate for the situation. We were laughing about it and so I thought others might get a snicker out of it too. The only criterion was to use songs I like. So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Songs To Get Snipped To.

10. Hurt So Good – John Cougar

What can I say? It’s a guilty pleasure. I truly enjoy this song and, in Woody’s case, the title couldn’t be more apropos…apparently his wife promised him a PlayStation3 if he got the surgery. Fair trade? You decide.

9. Twice As Hard – Black Crowes

Bump and grind all you want Woodman, the plumbing is watertight now. Ironically this song pre-saged Chris Robinson’s marriage to Kate Hudson. Kind of makes sense now, doesn’t it?

8. Hospital Beds – Cold War Kids
This is a fantastic song by a band I can’t stop listening to. And the lyrics fit Woodman’s situation reeeeeeDICKulously well.

7. Yankee Bayonet – The Decemberists
He’s a dyed in the wool Yankees fan. And bayonets cut shit. Get it? Oh, and this is the real chestnut of the album.

6. Detachable Penis – King Missile
I don’t know if I love or hate this song. It totally depends on when I hear it. The spoken word thing is equally annoying and fresh. Kind of like Woody.

5. Sexx Laws – Beck
Now this is a frickin’ great track. You can’t help but dance around when you hear this joint¦unless, of course, the doctor’s holding a sharp object near your vas deferens. Then under no circumstances should you dance around.

4. Androgynous – The Replacements
I almost hate to sully this song by including it in the list, but its too fitting to be ignored. Hands down the greatest Mats song ever. I need to know the history behind this song. Somebody help a brother out. Also worth mentioning is that one could make a convincing argument that the entire Let It Be album–from stern to stem”is really a band weighing the benefits of vasectomies. On the pro side is the aforementioned Androgynous plus Unsatisfied, We’re Coming Out and the rockin’ Gary’s Got a Boner. On the anti side is the title track, Let it Be, I Will Dare and Favorite Thing. Hey, if you really go with this logic you could even include Tommy Gets His Tonsils Out on either side of the coin.

3. Cuts Like a Knife – Bryan Adams
As soon as we came up with the idea, Mofongo blurted out this song and I immediately laughed. Perfect.

2. Big Balls – AC/DC
It is almost unfair to include AC/DC in this list as within their oeuvre there are such appropriate pearls as: Let Me Put My Love Into You, She’s Got Balls, Beating Around the Bush, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap¦just to name a few. It’s like the band’s sole reason for being is to provide a soundtrack for guys getting neutered.

1. Love Removal Machine – The Cult
Oh, Billy Duffy, you’ve been a very good boy. Very good boy. This beguiling guitar riff is masterful. For me this song made this band and the metaphoric comparison to Woody can’t be beat.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Oz September 20, 2007 at 7:41 am

Wow. I think this might be the first playlist dedicated to vasectomies. Here are some omissions:

Eazy-E – Gimme that Nut

Soft Cell – Tainted Love

Anything by the Little Ones.

Ron September 20, 2007 at 10:57 am

Hahaha, what a heartless (funny) playlist.

Greg September 20, 2007 at 11:28 am

Who’s Moish? With a list like this, I hope we don’t have to wait another ten months for a post. I’ll contribute:

A Get Together to Tear it Apart – The Hives
You make me feel like a natural Woman – Aretha Franklin
Untogether – Belly
Mince Meat – Danger Doom
Broken Harpoon – The Jayhawks
Most of Psychocandy by Jesus & Mary Chain including The Hardest Walk, Cut Dead, Never Understand, Inside Me, Sowing Seeds, My Little Underground, You Trip Me Up, It’s so Hard and Something’s Wrong
The Surgery is Over – Julie Doiron
Dead End Street – The Kinks
The Trouble I’ve Been Looking For – Magnetic Fields
Got To Give It Up – Marvin Gaye
Wave of Mutilation/Gouge Away – the Pixies
No Surprises – Radiohead
Rip This Joint – Rolling Stones
Ballad of a Ladyman – Sleater Kinney
Disconnection Notice – Sonic Youth
Dismember – Spoon
Rip Off – T. Rex
A Clean Break (Let’s Work) – Talking Heads

Oh, and…

Bring it Back Again – The Earlies

I’d listen to that play list more than a few times if it didn’t know make me thing of a visit to Dr. McSnippy.

Woody September 20, 2007 at 12:15 pm

Thank you for all your kind words and suggestions.

To add to the list:
The Dirtbombs – The Executioner of Love
Bob Dylan – Its All Over Now, Baby Blue
The Beatles – Happiness Is A Warm Gun
Bruce – Glory Days
Zappa – Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?
DBT – Hell No I Ain’t Happy
Jane’s Addiiction – Had A Dad (That one’s for the kids!!)
Johnny Cash – 25 Minuted To Go (Good waiting room music)
O’Death – Down To Rest
Chili Peppers – Scar Tissue
The Shins – Fighting In A Sack

Drinking Buddy September 20, 2007 at 12:20 pm

Phenomenal post. What are the chances of this happening to someone named Woody Woodman? Must be in the trillions.

TurtleShroom May 27, 2011 at 2:27 pm

There is a song ACTUALLY ABOUT a vasectomy.

It’s by Jesse Goldberg, and it’s permanently saved here: http://www.webcitation.org/5z01vha9B !!

An example of the lyrics:
“I love you more than anything, my darling, wonderful wife! Please don’t make me put my precious jewels under the knife!”

…-and another…

“Why don’t we flip a coin and see… who’s ‘gonna have the surgery…”
[pause]
“Let’s do two out of three to see… who’s ‘gonna have the surgery…”

“Na-na-na-na-na! I won it fair and square! I’ll warm up the car, be sure to wear clean underwear!”

http://www.webcitation.org/5z01vha9B

ifxdx May 27, 2013 at 9:35 pm

As a urologist, I actually have a playlist. 67 songs and adding. Thanks for a few more suggestions
First cut is the deepest-Cheryl Crow
Cuts like a knife-Adams
Got you by the balls, I got big balls-ACDC
it aint the meat its the motion-Maria Muldaur
Every sperm is sacred-Monty Python
I said I loved you but I lied-Michael Bolton
Love hurts-Nazareth
Love stinks-Jay Geils
Aint got time for the pain

I got lots more. Cant recall off the top of my head

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