The Overly Sensitive Music Snob at the Quiet Acoustic Show
There’s a delicate balance between being the Extremely Drunk Loud Guy and enjoying yourself at the show. If you go with your buddies, it’s natural to crack jokes throughout the show. Don’t glare at me or shush me if I drop a hilarious comment every 3-4 minutes. I happen to be feeling it. Lighten up.
The Out of Place White Guy who knows 2-3 Songs at the Rap Show
I also love this guy and attempted to be him once. Back when Oz was living in Chicago, we got tickets to the Ludacris show right after his Chicken and Beer album came out. In true stiff white guy fashion, we hung out at Oz’s apartment pre-show and ordered 40’s (of Budweiser, not malt liquor, since we’re extra stiff) and fried chicken (from a fairly upscale place that doesn’t use hormones in its chicken). Unfortunately, my boy Poochie McV got too smashed and passed out on the couch, so we decided not to go. Instead, we sat around calling Ludacris “Ludacrisp” and listened to the new Kings of Leon album. Good times.
The Music Snob that Spends the Entire Show Screaming Obscure Song Requests to the Band
This person is funny to me. Screaming obscure songs that no one has ever heard of so they appear to be a superfan. My buddy and I used to go to shows and scream made-up song requests. “Play ‘Slimshaft’!” “Play ‘Banana-Shaped Turd’!” Always fun to see the reactions of the snobs.
The Guy Who Pulls Up His Shirt to Reveal a Single Nipple When a Camera is On Him
Popularized in the 80’s, this needs to be performed more often. Absolutely love this guy. There’s a great random on-purpose male nipple shot from the crowd on Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious” DVD.
The Comcast Tech Support Guy
I hate this guy no matter where he is. If I ever come across a Comcast tech support person anywhere, including the rock show, I will unleash a fury. Except for my boy Daljit who just got me back online after a mere 40 minutes of grunting at me on the phone. Kudos, Daljit!
People Who Haven’t Showered in Several Weeks
I went to a Keller Williams/Charlie Hunter Trio show a few years ago at the Park West. 90% of the people in attendance smelled and appeared as though they hadn’t showered in a fortnight. I think I may have even seen a couple Dr. Seuss hats in the crowd. Lots of Tevas, too.
Spoiled Stoner Kids Asking for ‘Free Tickets’ Out Front
Let me get this straight…you smoke a ton of pot, you don’t work other than selling an occasional grilled cheese sandwich, showering is your kryptonite, and you want me to give you a free ticket? Sounds like a win-win. No really, I’ll just turn around and go home.
I was first exposed to this phenomenon at the aforementioned Keller Williams show. My taste in music is admittedly suspect, but boy do I hate me some jambands.
The Freebird Guy
I only enjoyed the Freebird Guy at a John Mayer show I once attended. I think it legitimately ticked Mayer off that someone would scream that at him. I think he was also dating Jennifer Love Hewitt at the time, so he was clearly taking himself a little too seriously.
The Guy Pulling the “From Behind Dance Move” with his Girlfriend
Come on, Slugger. Must you be the only person at the show standing behind your girlfriend, arms wrapped in front of her waist, swaying back and forth? This isn’t Bon Jovi’s “Slippery When Wet” tour.
The Guy Singing Lyrics to his Girlfriend
Honestly. Stop it. You’re embarrassing everyone.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Hilarious series, thank you
Amazing!.You’re funny xD
I once got shushed at a Martin Sexton show at Schubas. I was speaking a hair louder than the “six inch voice” made famous in elementary school and a group of Sexton worshipers turned and shushed so hard that I felt the spit on my face. I now dislike Martin Sexton.
There’s nothing worse than a fanbase mostly comprised of douchebags.
I totally got busted for reading music blogs at work when I laughed heartily out loud to this… Bravo.
I get drunk/stoned, and I’ll yell, ‘Play Freebird!’ Thinking of course that I’m being quite clever, and that everyone will get the joke. It is only later when I realize that people en masse don’t tend to grasp irony, and that I’m just the wasted guy yelling ‘Play Freebird.’
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