Peeing at a Rock Show – A True Art Form: Part II

Thanks to everyone for their comments and stories about peeing at arena rock shows in our first installment. We had multiple stories about guys peeing at urinals with their pants around their ankles, peeing in cups, and reader Patrick who occasionally decides to just drain the wheeze directly on the bar. Simply magnificent. Stay gold, HearYa readers.

This week we’ll take a look at the art form of peeing at an outdoor rock show. While last week we looked at types of urinators you’ll run into in the men’s restroom, this week we’ll primarily take a look at Port-o-Lets and the how’s and why’s of avoiding them..

I inspected several Port-o-Lets over the weekend, and came to several conclusions about why they should be avoided.

1. You know how you can make orange juice from concentrate, but the concentrated stuff is really powerful? Port-o-lets are basically a concentrated poop/pee cocktail. They are hot, dirty, and make it impossible to breathe through anything other than your mouth.
2. There isn’t a level surface to be found in most port-o-lets, rendering it nearly impossible to set a beer anywhere while peeing. I personally need to use my hands while urinating, which means I would have to grip the beer with my teeth to avoid setting it down. This makes it hard to breathe through your mouth, resulting in a highly malodorous smell entering your nostrils. Horrible.
3. There should be an open container law in port-o-lets. I once read somewhere that smells are actually tiny particles of what you’re smelling entering your nose. Essentially, there is airborne poo in port-o-lets. I make a lot of compromises in my life, but I will NOT let airborne poo drift into my beer.
4. If the rim of your beer touches any surface anywhere near a port-o-let, you have to throw it out immediately. The inner walls of port-o-lets have airborne poo juice adhered to them. That’s a risk I cannot take.

Tactics that you may have never thought of to avoid port-o-lets:

1. The Hurdler’s Stretch: if you must relieve yourself but don’t want to step inside a port-o-let, simply sit down, put one leg out in front of you, pull out your wang, and pee at point blank range into the ground while you act like you are stretching. This can only be performed while wearing shorts – preferably a pliable mesh. Unfortunately, wearing mesh shorts at a rock show is highly uncommon.
2. Pee in a cup: I’ve seen this successfully performed at indoor and outdoor shows. For best results, place the cup in your hand with the bottom of the cup resting in your fingertips and the face of the cup concealed by the palm of your hand. Stand in a “fig leaf” stance with both hands covering your crotch. Pull out your wang and fill up the cup while keeping your eyes on the show before you.
3. Pee your pants while you slowly dump beer on your crotch to conceal what’s really happening: I dare you.