Thanks to everyone for their comments and stories about peeing at arena rock shows in our first installment. We had multiple stories about guys peeing at urinals with their pants around their ankles, peeing in cups, and reader Patrick who occasionally decides to just drain the wheeze directly on the bar. Simply magnificent. Stay gold, HearYa readers.
This week we’ll take a look at the art form of peeing at an outdoor rock show. While last week we looked at types of urinators you’ll run into in the men’s restroom, this week we’ll primarily take a look at Port-o-Lets and the how’s and why’s of avoiding them..
I inspected several Port-o-Lets over the weekend, and came to several conclusions about why they should be avoided.
- You know how you can make orange juice from concentrate, but the concentrated stuff is really powerful? Port-o-lets are basically a concentrated poop/pee cocktail. They are hot, dirty, and make it impossible to breathe through anything other than your mouth.
- There isn’t a level surface to be found in most port-o-lets, rendering it nearly impossible to set a beer anywhere while peeing. I personally need to use my hands while urinating, which means I would have to grip the beer with my teeth to avoid setting it down. This makes it hard to breathe through your mouth, resulting in a highly malodorous smell entering your nostrils. Horrible.
- There should be an open container law in port-o-lets. I once read somewhere that smells are actually tiny particles of what you’re smelling entering your nose. Essentially, there is airborne poo in port-o-lets. I make a lot of compromises in my life, but I will NOT let airborne poo drift into my beer.
- If the rim of your beer touches any surface anywhere near a port-o-let, you have to throw it out immediately. The inner walls of port-o-lets have airborne poo juice adhered to them. That’s a risk I cannot take.
Tactics that you may have never thought of to avoid port-o-lets:
- The Hurdler’s Stretch: if you must relieve yourself but don’t want to step inside a port-o-let, simply sit down, put one leg out in front of you, pull out your wang, and pee at point blank range into the ground while you act like you are stretching. This can only be performed while wearing shorts – preferably a pliable mesh. Unfortunately, wearing mesh shorts at a rock show is highly uncommon.
- Pee in a cup: I’ve seen this successfully performed at indoor and outdoor shows. For best results, place the cup in your hand with the bottom of the cup resting in your fingertips and the face of the cup concealed by the palm of your hand. Stand in a “fig leaf” stance with both hands covering your crotch. Pull out your wang and fill up the cup while keeping your eyes on the show before you.
- Pee your pants while you slowly dump beer on your crotch to conceal what’s really happening: I dare you.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I seem to remember a group of guys (which shall remain nameless) doing the Pee in a Cup move at a Drive by Truckers show in Chicago. It’s a move I’ve perfected over time and will use at SXSW, so here’s some tips (no pun intended) from me.
1) Pump your fist in the air to the music as a distraction. It’s like throwing sand in the eyes and draws all attention away from the happenings below the waist.
2) Be careful not to look down. You’ve got the fist in the air and are really selling this and one glance down could compromise the mission. It may seem like a Jedi mind trick to know when your cup is almost full, but a good tactic is to place your finger near the brim. You’ll feel the cup getting warm as it gets full and you can cut off midstream or do a quick dump if you have lawn seats at an amphitheater.
3) Relieve yourself frequently or buy big beers. I’d recommend a 32 oz size, but 22oz should also work if you don’t hold it for too long. Never use a 12 oz cup, unless you are a 7 year old girl. If you fill up to the brim, you’re in trouble and may get a wet finger or sink your johnson.
4) Don’t confuse your beer with the cup of urine. Beer tastes much better.
Ok, this is an old post so may not get read but I’ve only just spotted it, was a little astounded and had to comment. Firstly I’m in the UK so I don’t know if you guys have a totally different experience but typically for an outdoor stage set you’d expect to see an 8 foot high barrier stretching from either side of the stage, to stop the crowd flowing round to the back. This would be anything up to 100 feet long either side. Advice. Don’t pick this as your viewing spot. This is where the stewards expect you to pee, as long as you stay more than 15 feet away from the stage end. More usual further out, except at the very end, as there maybe 50,000 people looking roughly in your direction but here the mates rule comes in. 3 guys go together, one peeing while the other 2 stand, back to him, on the crowd side. If you’re with a girl you must use this rule as she has to squat.
Otherwise, if you’re going to pee in a cup, first stand back from the mosh area and frantic jumping or you’ll get soaked and decked by the 3 other guys you splash it all over. Second, nobody will have an issue with this if you boot it quietly to the side. You’ll only get trouble if you decide to throw it up into the crowd. (If you do, throw backward, it’s much harder for someone to push forward to get you than backward, where he’ll probably get some help) A good tip derived from this is don’t wear sandals to a gig.
A question I thought of for the original post-er; if you need your hands to pee and are worried about holding your beer in a port-a-loo, how do you hold it when you pee in a cup and (obviously) don’t you put yourself at risk of drinking the wrong one or ’splash-between’.
The very best solution for you is to invest in a ‘camel bak’ and keep your beer in there, take a bottle of water in with you, empty it and use it to pee in. Put the top on after and kick it at least 5 feet to the side. If anyone jumps up and down on it and splits it you’re probably safe at that range.
Festival peeing is slightly different but if you remember the mates rule (about 5 of them), combine your distracting arms punching with rowdy chanting or singing then no-one will want to come near your little circle and you can take it in turns. Just make sure no-one has ’stage fright’ as they’d be facing you this time.
And for truly awe-inspiring depravity of toilets, until you’ve used the direct drop loos at Glastonbury you ain’t seen nothin!
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