What I’m about to say may shock some of you. Sometimes I pee sitting down. That is not a typo. In fact, it’s one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, and if you’ll hear me out it may be one of the greatest things that will ever happen to you. Now don’t get me wrong – peeing while seated has a time and place, but I urge you to give it a try. Here’s why:
- No cleanup of the rim
- No concentration or aim necessary
- When you pee in the middle of the night, you don’t have to turn on the light in the bathroom and deal with the pain of your eyes adjusting to the brightness
Read point #3 again. While that may seem like a small detail, it’s a HUGE benefit that I don’t want anyone to overlook. Why do I bring this up? Because peeing while sitting down at the rock show is absolutely forbidden. Those toilets are Petri dishes for diseases you can’t even pronounce. But don’t fret. There are plenty of other weird, effective ways in which people pee while taking in live music.
With that said, we begin our multi-part series of Peeing at the Rock Show – A True Art Form. Installment #1 features the types of pee-ers you’ll see at a rock show with the standard Urinal-and-Stall Restroom Setup. Here we go¦
Three-Quarter Turn Guy
This guy always goes for the urinal on the end. Sensing eminent stagefright, he turns his back almost completely toward any onlookers next to him and quietly relieves himself into the urinal. What is he hiding? I’m uncertain.
Two Hands on the Wall While Peeing Guy
Cocksure and confident, this urinator provides himself with no guidance whatsoever. Rather, he basks in the glory of his sweet release by placing both hands on the wall in front of him, occasionally letting out a groan of relief. He has typically consumed several PBRs, and his liver should be photographed for the pages of a 7th grade health book. Do not make eye contact with this man.
Waiting for the Stall Guy
The opposite of Two Hands on the Wall While Peeing Guy, this gentleman is scared of everything. It’s not uncommon for him to pass up several open looks at the urinal for the privacy of a closed-door pee in the stall. He probably played a good deal of Dungeons & Dragons growing up.
Guy Who Starts an Awkward Conversation About Cocaine While You’re Peeing
This guy is the most annoying of all. You’re usually just getting started with your stream when he comes flying into a somewhat-empty bathroom like a goddang bat out of hell. He sidles up to the urinal next to you, eyes locked on the back of your head the whole way. It doesn’t take more than .002 seconds for him to start an awkward conversation about cocaine, usually asking a) if you have any, or b) if you want to do some with him. This always scares the crap out of me. What is it about me that makes this asspony think I do coke? And even if I did, would it really be any fun to do it with some guy that looks like Dennis Eckersley? Don’t answer that. Anyway, the conversation always ends with this guy making some kind of stupid joke, like “That wasn’t a question, it was an invitation!” that you have to laugh at so he quits talking to you. Worst guy ever.
Pants Around the Ankles at the Urinal Guy
Just kidding. This doesn’t actually happen that I know of.
Next week, we’ll take a look at Peeing at the Rock Show Part 2: Port-o-Lets.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I am totally with you on the issue of NOT switching on the light! (pretty pointless for rock shows, though)
You know what they say about the mens room at a rock show — That’s where the d*cks hang out.
Yeah, it’s an old, bad joke, but given that you’ve named at least three varieties, I figured it was appropriate.
I was flying to DC recently, early in the morning. I walked into an empty airport bathroom and saw one other guy, morbidly obese, completely shitfaced, peeing with his pants around his ankles. It was remarkable. He was singing out loud, oblivious to his surroundings.
“Pants around the ankles” pissing is alive and well. In fact, I have three friends that practice the “art” on rare occasions. While disturbing, it’s a great defense against “Guy Who Starts an Awkward Conversation About Cocaine While You’re Peeing”.
I’d prefer to not have a coked up guy sneaking up on me while my pants are down.
You are forgetting my go-to move at arena shows. Peeing in the empty beer cup and placing it under the seat in front of you.
(A FRIEND), attending a Sex Pistols show in DC a few years ago, needed to pee very badly. Being nearly at the stage and on the shorter side, any attempt to fight his way to the bathroom at the back of the club would likely result in him wetting his pants well before he got there, and certainly never finding his way back to the front. However, two friends who had accompanied him to the show, themselves being well over six-feet-tall, provided cover, while (A FRIEND) happily relieved himself against the bar located to the side of the stage.
Of course, there was also the time when a friend of (A FRIEND), in town to attend a different show at said venue, promptly relieved himself in the seventh-floor ice machine in the hotel upon returning from the show. Needless to say, (FRIEND) of (A FRIEND) was staying on a different floor…
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