My brother and I went on a man-date to see My Morning Jacket in Louisville the night before Thanksgiving. I was going to write a review of the show, but Woody’s review of the Chicago show summed it up. So, I thought I’d write about the music man-date instead.

For those of you who don’t know what a man-date is, it’s pretty simple. It’s when two consenting heterosexual males decide to spend time together in a public place for several hours on end, devoid of any other companions (be it male, female, or transgender), with no intentions whatsoever in consummating the man-date.

Anyway, going to that show with my brother reminded me of the many times Oz and I went on music man-dates in Chicago before he moved to the Bay Area, a place where man-dating was outlawed by heterosexuals in the late 70’s. Anyway, I would usually get an email from Oz on a weekday morning with the name of some inconspicuous band he wanted to see play at Schuba’s or Martyr’s. We’d banter back and forth, ask each other if it was emasculating to go on a man-date of this sort, and ultimately agree that we didn’t care. I’d reply with a, “It’s no big deal. We’re just a couple guys being guys.” Oz would agree with a confirmatory, “Yep, we’re just a couple guys being cockslingers.” I was never quite sure what that meant, but it sounded like a cross between being a porn star and a cowboy, so I always liked it.

The man-date is a tough one to pull off, especially when it comes to live music. I’m all for it, but there are a few rules that must be followed to minimize awkwardness:

1. It must be a full band show. No solo acoustic performances.
2. You must drink either Budweiser or whiskey. Where available, PBR is also acceptable. Bottled water should be avoided - you’re better off drinking your own vomit.
3. It cannot be an arena show. The music man-date must be held at a venue that holds less than 2,000 people. I’m pretty sure I broke this rule with my brother at the My Morning Jacket show but, hey, we’re brothers. Things get weird when you are at an arena show in assigned seating. If you’ve ever been on an outdoor music man-date, I have no respect for you. You might as well share a blanket and pack a picnic while you’re at it.
4. Cigarettes are a necessity. Even if you don’t smoke. When inhaling make a painful face. Hold the cigarette with all of your fingertips or toward the base of the knuckles for best results.
5. Don’t talk about the lyrics during the show. Even if they make you emotional. I broke this rule at the MMJ show, but I had several beers and, as my boy Poochie McVaughan used to say, “Hey man…it’s like, hey man…”
6. Don’t dance, sway, spin, bob your head, tap your foot…..nothing. If you are dancing with a big smile on your face, I guarantee the guy you went with on the man-date will have a big frown on his.
7. If it’s loud in there, don’t talk to each other. Better to look awkward not talking than to get caught trying to talk over the music while leaning inches away from another man’s earlobe.

I’m sure I’ve overlooked some things, but if you follow all of these rules, you should have a great time on your music man-date and keep your masculinity intact.